"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

Hurt is hurt is hurt is hurt is hurt................

From Adele's "Someone Like You" ~

I wish nothing but the best for you, too

Don't forget me I beg

I remember you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead."

Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead,

Yeah.

You know how

The time flies

Only yesterday

It was the time of our lives

We were born and raised

In a summer haze

Bound by the surprise

Of our glory days

__________________________________

Isn't it interesting how sometimes love songs apply to grieving, as well?

Are the Holidays a "Difficult Time" for You?

People often ask me if I am sad this time of year. The answer is somewhat complicated.

I carry sadness with me every day. There is an "Alicia-shaped hole" in my heart, and there always will be. It's not a wound that anything or anyone can heal. Nothing makes it bigger or smaller--not even the Holidays.

However, this time of year does carry extra emotion.

I've always loved Christmas, like most people do. I still cherish all those memories of my childhood and the magic of playing in the snow, pictures with Santa, and making cookies with my mom and sister. I remember "buying" my mom a wallet for Christmas. I must have been 6 or 7. Mom picked it out, she gave me the money, and I went to the register and paid for it. Then I took it home to wrap it. I also remember getting beloved toys, like Barbies and Fisher Price Little People.

And then there are the memories of Christmas with my little girls. Those memories are bittersweet because of our loss. Thinking of those happy times --that will never be again-- really stings. But all of the love shines through even stronger and the memories become mostly sweet and very, very precious.

Of course, I still have my Alex here and she brings me joy daily. Our family still laughs and sings and shops and eats and decorates during the festive season. I still send out Christmas cards, although it's difficult not signing Alicia's name. Sometimes I still do sign *Angel Alicia*...But usually I don't because it's too sad.

I especially love the "giving." It brings me joy choosing special gifts for the special people in our lives. We still give to Toys for Tots every year and we're still grateful for all of our blessings. We still remember the real meaning of Christmas. I still pray, although it's very difficult for me to do so since I was mid-prayer when the police came to my door to deliver the horrible news on August 10....

It's difficult, of course, not being able to buy Alicia anything. Sometimes I do buy her something and then keep it here for her, like the set of Baz Luhrmann DVD's I got a few years ago. It's not the same, of course. And we buy her little things for her "spot," like flowers or little angels. It's terribly sad to have to visit her at the cemetery. There are no words to describe that emotion.

So, yes, it's a difficult time of year, I suppose. But I truly do enjoy the Holiday Season. I feel Alicia nearby and I think she would be very upset if she knew we weren't celebrating the birth of Jesus and carrying on all of our family traditions.

It Rained and the Mona Lisa Washed Away

It rained and the Mona Lisa washed away
The Venus de Milo crumbled and turned to clay
How could this beautiful work of art be gone, just gone?

There are no answers in the wind

No answers in my dreams

There are simply no answers

So it seems.

GRH 7-2007

Years (A Poem)

Years
Time plays no part
It can’t replace a permanent hole
In a grieving heart
This is no regular wound I feel
To grow together and to heal
I lost what I never owned
I mourn what never left me

Years
No number can represent
Love is an eternal circle
There is no beginning, there is no end
You have always been mine
And you never were

Years
The wind still blows
And no one knows
The sky still cries
The moon, a sigh
You have always been here
And you have always been gone

--Gwen

I Hope It Brings You Comfort (A Poem)

I hope it brings you comfort to know

No matter how far you fall and no matter how dark the night

The sun always finds you the next day.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

When you feel so utterly alone and different

Someone eventually comes along who knows what you're going though.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

You don't have to be strong when times are really tough

(No one should expect you to!)

But breathing and acceptance really helps to get you through.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

Anger is just fear and fear is just pain;

No one is perfect but we can all transcend through forgiveness.



I hope it bring you comfort to know

You don't need anyone to "fix" you;

The flaws you may perceive

Can be erased with a simple smile.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

That even when the worse thing you can imagine happens

God still gives you the ability to stand up straight

And continue to experience life.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

That life is wonderful and life is horrible

But we're all connected and we're all in it together.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

Angels are real, not just a story or an illusion,

They surround us, comfort us, and send us messages;

Love is endless and our spirits literally soar on.

--Gwen

I could tell you...

I could tell you who she was...the beauty, the intelligence, the ambition, the fiery soul, the funny girl, the spiritual soul...I could tell you all she left behind, all who cry for her...The grandmother who already had a father killed in front of her and now more sorrow...The sister (an "orphan" sister, in a sense) who now faces life as an only child...The father, step father, step mother who raised her with every ounce of their strength and time and patience and love... ALL the relatives, best friends, teachers, and so many more who loved her spirit and liveliness...



I could describe what we lost, what the world lost. She's been taken away, she's gone. Yes, I have the photos and memories. But I can no longer look into my 19 year old daughter's eyes and see the baby/toddler/child reflecting from inside.



I could tell you that I feel her all around me. I smell her, sense her. I know her spirit lives on.



I could tell you all this--and so much more--and it would be true. But all I need to tell you is that she is my daughter, and I love her with all my heart. That is who I lost. She is my daughter and she is gone. That says it all.