People often ask me if I am sad this time of year. The answer is somewhat complicated.
I carry sadness with me every day. There is an "Alicia-shaped hole" in my heart, and there always will be. It's not a wound that anything or anyone can heal. Nothing makes it bigger or smaller--not even the Holidays.
However, this time of year does carry extra emotion.
I've always loved Christmas, like most people do. I still cherish all those memories of my childhood and the magic of playing in the snow, pictures with Santa, and making cookies with my mom and sister. I remember "buying" my mom a wallet for Christmas. I must have been 6 or 7. Mom picked it out, she gave me the money, and I went to the register and paid for it. Then I took it home to wrap it. I also remember getting beloved toys, like Barbies and Fisher Price Little People.
And then there are the memories of Christmas with my little girls. Those memories are bittersweet because of our loss. Thinking of those happy times --that will never be again-- really stings. But all of the love shines through even stronger and the memories become mostly sweet and very, very precious.
Of course, I still have my Alex here and she brings me joy daily. Our family still laughs and sings and shops and eats and decorates during the festive season. I still send out Christmas cards, although it's difficult not signing Alicia's name. Sometimes I still do sign *Angel Alicia*...But usually I don't because it's too sad.
I especially love the "giving." It brings me joy choosing special gifts for the special people in our lives. We still give to Toys for Tots every year and we're still grateful for all of our blessings. We still remember the real meaning of Christmas. I still pray, although it's very difficult for me to do so since I was mid-prayer when the police came to my door to deliver the horrible news on August 10....
It's difficult, of course, not being able to buy Alicia anything. Sometimes I do buy her something and then keep it here for her, like the set of Baz Luhrmann DVD's I got a few years ago. It's not the same, of course. And we buy her little things for her "spot," like flowers or little angels. It's terribly sad to have to visit her at the cemetery. There are no words to describe that emotion.
So, yes, it's a difficult time of year, I suppose. But I truly do enjoy the Holiday Season. I feel Alicia nearby and I think she would be very upset if she knew we weren't celebrating the birth of Jesus and carrying on all of our family traditions.
