one word away from crying
one song away from breaking down
one tear away from feeling
as though I'm going to drown
GRH
Monday, July 9, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Angel
He is going through his own Hell
And I am going through mine;
An angel watches over us,
Tears fall from her eyes.
GRH
7-4-12
And I am going through mine;
An angel watches over us,
Tears fall from her eyes.
GRH
7-4-12
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Problem with Death...
Almost everything in life is tolerable because of one word. Hope. Even the worst scenarios--poverty, divorce, illness, a missing loved one--contain some element of hope, no matter how small.
Except death. No hope.
Some may argue there is hope in death--hope that the person went to Heaven and that we will meet again one day. While I have faith that this is true, it doesn't help the NOW--the current world/life we have to live day in and day out.
With the death of a child and/or sudden traumatic death, which I have experienced when Alicia was killed, the order of things is upside down and inside out. There is no way to put it all in order, to make sense of it, or to hope that there must be a REASON for all this.
Quite frankly, I don't care what the reason is right at this moment. Even if it's all part of the biggest and most fantastic plan that God has, I don't care.
He made me have feelings, a heart, and most importantly a motherly instinct and bond with my children. To expect me to just rest on the faith that I will see my oldest daughter again "one day" and that her horrific death at age 19 was "for a reason" is unfathomable. To put it another way, it's UNREASONABLE.
Today I went somewhere that I hadn't been in many years. It is a place that holds a lot of memories for our family. Alicia used to go to this place frequently. It brought back thoughts and feelings and roused some very uncomfortable frustration (bordering on anger) inside of me to think that all these people have so much and are doing so much and Alicia got short-changed, to put it mildly.
How do I cope with those feelings? Do I comfort myself by saying she's in an even BETTER place now and one day I will join her? No, that brings little comfort because it is too conflicting. I have my youngest daughter here who still needs me and I have a life here on earth that needs to be lived out. To yearn to join Alicia is not healthy or productive for me.
The irony and the paradoxes I have to face each day is simply indescribable. One minute I see people smiling, laughing, enjoying a lovely Florida spring day (myself included) and the next minute I am at the cemetery, changing the flowers at my daughter's grave site.
I can't even fully enjoy the memory of Alicia. Not only is everything upside down, inside out, but it's also sideways. I have to look at things and think about things in my peripheral only. The second I allow myself to look straight at a photo of Alicia or to really FEEL a memory, relive it, or to picture Alicia standing in front of me now, a feeling comes over me that is so huge and overpowering, I must immediately halt what I am doing. Don't look, don't think, don't remember or the tidal wave will pull you under.
I can love her, miss her, have memories of her (shrouded in mist) but I am not allowed to really feel her deep in my heart and soul. Even as I type these words, I see that they don't even break the surface of describing the enormous emotion this is.
Hopelessness. It's the closest word to this feeling. That's in addition to all the other feelings of grief. Hopelessness. That is the problem with death.
Except death. No hope.
Some may argue there is hope in death--hope that the person went to Heaven and that we will meet again one day. While I have faith that this is true, it doesn't help the NOW--the current world/life we have to live day in and day out.
With the death of a child and/or sudden traumatic death, which I have experienced when Alicia was killed, the order of things is upside down and inside out. There is no way to put it all in order, to make sense of it, or to hope that there must be a REASON for all this.
Quite frankly, I don't care what the reason is right at this moment. Even if it's all part of the biggest and most fantastic plan that God has, I don't care.
He made me have feelings, a heart, and most importantly a motherly instinct and bond with my children. To expect me to just rest on the faith that I will see my oldest daughter again "one day" and that her horrific death at age 19 was "for a reason" is unfathomable. To put it another way, it's UNREASONABLE.
Today I went somewhere that I hadn't been in many years. It is a place that holds a lot of memories for our family. Alicia used to go to this place frequently. It brought back thoughts and feelings and roused some very uncomfortable frustration (bordering on anger) inside of me to think that all these people have so much and are doing so much and Alicia got short-changed, to put it mildly.
How do I cope with those feelings? Do I comfort myself by saying she's in an even BETTER place now and one day I will join her? No, that brings little comfort because it is too conflicting. I have my youngest daughter here who still needs me and I have a life here on earth that needs to be lived out. To yearn to join Alicia is not healthy or productive for me.
The irony and the paradoxes I have to face each day is simply indescribable. One minute I see people smiling, laughing, enjoying a lovely Florida spring day (myself included) and the next minute I am at the cemetery, changing the flowers at my daughter's grave site.
I can't even fully enjoy the memory of Alicia. Not only is everything upside down, inside out, but it's also sideways. I have to look at things and think about things in my peripheral only. The second I allow myself to look straight at a photo of Alicia or to really FEEL a memory, relive it, or to picture Alicia standing in front of me now, a feeling comes over me that is so huge and overpowering, I must immediately halt what I am doing. Don't look, don't think, don't remember or the tidal wave will pull you under.
I can love her, miss her, have memories of her (shrouded in mist) but I am not allowed to really feel her deep in my heart and soul. Even as I type these words, I see that they don't even break the surface of describing the enormous emotion this is.
Hopelessness. It's the closest word to this feeling. That's in addition to all the other feelings of grief. Hopelessness. That is the problem with death.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
"Why do girls like vampires?" My theory
With the undeniable surge of popularity in books, movies, and television shows that feature vampires, comes the question: Why do girls like vampires?
Chris Illuminati does an excellent job of explaining this in an article posted on askmen.com. I especially agreed with several points he made in reasons number three through six.
I disagree with Mr. Illuminati about reason number one. I don't think vampires are desirable because "Women love bad boys." First of all, I think that's a misunderstood myth that's been passed down from generation to generation. I realize the leading lady in movies often fall for the guy with the leather jacket, tattoos, cigarettes, motorcycle, fast car (insert trait here depending on the decade). However, I don't think it's because he's "bad."
I think it's more accurate to say many girls are attracted to guys who are artistic, individualistic, and passionate--the poet, the musician, the actor. These guys are often mistaken as "bad." The vampires we see in fiction often fit into this category, too. Obviously, there is the danger factor with the creatures of the night, but I think it's more symbolic than literal. Women don't want a man who is bad or dangerous. They just want passionate, eternal love.
Which is why I think reason number four explains the vampire obsession best. It's not really about the guy. The attraction to vampires is more about capturing the romantic feeling of a love that never dies.
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-reasons-women-love-vampires.html
Chris Illuminati does an excellent job of explaining this in an article posted on askmen.com. I especially agreed with several points he made in reasons number three through six.
I disagree with Mr. Illuminati about reason number one. I don't think vampires are desirable because "Women love bad boys." First of all, I think that's a misunderstood myth that's been passed down from generation to generation. I realize the leading lady in movies often fall for the guy with the leather jacket, tattoos, cigarettes, motorcycle, fast car (insert trait here depending on the decade). However, I don't think it's because he's "bad."
I think it's more accurate to say many girls are attracted to guys who are artistic, individualistic, and passionate--the poet, the musician, the actor. These guys are often mistaken as "bad." The vampires we see in fiction often fit into this category, too. Obviously, there is the danger factor with the creatures of the night, but I think it's more symbolic than literal. Women don't want a man who is bad or dangerous. They just want passionate, eternal love.
Which is why I think reason number four explains the vampire obsession best. It's not really about the guy. The attraction to vampires is more about capturing the romantic feeling of a love that never dies.
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-reasons-women-love-vampires.html
Monday, January 30, 2012
The Problem with Fairy Tales...
Some say that fairy tales have set us up to fail--especially us females--with thoughts of love at first sight and Prince Charming rescuing us and all of that "nonsense."
I don't think it's the notion of finding love that has caused issues in our lives. Love is the universal truth. Love is magical.
Perhaps it's the "happily ever after" part that has done the most damage. Perhaps it's what was left unwritten that causes the most harm.
Don't we all tend to fill in the blanks after we find our "true love?"
We put our Prince Charming so high on a pedestal that he has nowhere to go but down. And our expectations of Cinderella are unrealistic, as well. Yes, she wore a gown and glass slippers to the ball. And her hair was perfectly blonde and in a fancy up-do. But let's not forget she had the help of her Fairy Godmother to prepare for that one special night.
I'll bet Cinderella got right back into that comfortable dress and apron when she was in the castle as wife and mother. I'll bet her blonde hair occasionally had dark roots. A girl that learned to work that hard isn't going to just lounge around all the time, waiting on her occasionally-less-than-charming hubby in glass slippers. That was the part they left off.
Perhaps we need to read the fairy tales, dream about love, and then remember to write the rest of our story ourselves.
I don't think it's the notion of finding love that has caused issues in our lives. Love is the universal truth. Love is magical.
Perhaps it's the "happily ever after" part that has done the most damage. Perhaps it's what was left unwritten that causes the most harm.
Don't we all tend to fill in the blanks after we find our "true love?"
We put our Prince Charming so high on a pedestal that he has nowhere to go but down. And our expectations of Cinderella are unrealistic, as well. Yes, she wore a gown and glass slippers to the ball. And her hair was perfectly blonde and in a fancy up-do. But let's not forget she had the help of her Fairy Godmother to prepare for that one special night.
I'll bet Cinderella got right back into that comfortable dress and apron when she was in the castle as wife and mother. I'll bet her blonde hair occasionally had dark roots. A girl that learned to work that hard isn't going to just lounge around all the time, waiting on her occasionally-less-than-charming hubby in glass slippers. That was the part they left off.
Perhaps we need to read the fairy tales, dream about love, and then remember to write the rest of our story ourselves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)