So this is what "normal" grief feels like

      My mother died less than a month ago. She was 75 years old, she had been sick for many years, and she died in her sleep at hospice surrounded by family. Since she was my only parent (and I didn't have aunts or uncles or other adult family members with whom I was close), my mom was my life. Quite literally. My childhood was always just three of us--Mom and my sister and me.
      It's been eight years since my oldest daughter, Alicia, was killed. Right now I am grieving my mom and I miss her very much. But her passing has triggered immense grief pains for my Alicia. I wasn't expecting this but I believe it is due to the extreme contrast.
     The way Mom passed seemed so peaceful. Sad, of course, but it made sense in the big scheme of life. I can't help but be reminded how terribly unfair Alicia's death was. She was only 19. Mom was 75. Mom lived a full life. Not a perfect life, not a problem-free life. But there wasn't much Mom didn't get to experience.
      Mom also died relatively pain-free as far as I could tell. She had nurses surrounding her with pillows, blankets, medicine, and I don't think she was even conscious when she passed. If she was aware at all, then she could hear us telling her how much we love her and that it was okay if she wanted to go. We were holding her hand and thanking her for all she had done for us.
      My daughter was killed--she didn't "pass." She was brutally beaten. I reel when I imagine it. Sometimes I picture the terrible event in my mind--what it must have looked like, sounded like, felt like for her. I can't help it. It is torture for me but my mind goes there sometimes. I hope Alicia died quickly but I know she didn't die peacefully. I know she experienced pain and fear. Sometimes I like to think that adrenaline kicked in and she was shielded biologically. I like to believe that God took her soul before she was able to experience the horror and she was shielded spiritually. But the truth is, I just don't know.
     Losing Alicia caused me to experience "complicated grief." Now that Mom has passed, I am experiencing "normal grief." I almost feel guilty that I am not more upset about Mom but I know this is healthy. I have so much acceptance, knowing that my mom was ready and somewhat relieved since she was in pain for so many years. This experience has made me feel extra bad about Alicia's death. I am devastated about how extremely unfair it was for her.
     I'd like to believe Mom is with Alicia now. It is a beautiful thought. In fact, I had a vision of Alicia dressed in white with a huge smile on her face, lifting mom from her bed as she passed. Was it wishful thinking? Or was it a spiritual experience? I don't know but I am going to choose the latter.