Years (A Poem)

Years
Time plays no part
It can’t replace a permanent hole
In a grieving heart
This is no regular wound I feel
To grow together and to heal
I lost what I never owned
I mourn what never left me

Years
No number can represent
Love is an eternal circle
There is no beginning, there is no end
You have always been mine
And you never were

Years
The wind still blows
And no one knows
The sky still cries
The moon, a sigh
You have always been here
And you have always been gone

--Gwen

I Hope It Brings You Comfort (A Poem)

I hope it brings you comfort to know

No matter how far you fall and no matter how dark the night

The sun always finds you the next day.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

When you feel so utterly alone and different

Someone eventually comes along who knows what you're going though.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

You don't have to be strong when times are really tough

(No one should expect you to!)

But breathing and acceptance really helps to get you through.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

Anger is just fear and fear is just pain;

No one is perfect but we can all transcend through forgiveness.



I hope it bring you comfort to know

You don't need anyone to "fix" you;

The flaws you may perceive

Can be erased with a simple smile.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

That even when the worse thing you can imagine happens

God still gives you the ability to stand up straight

And continue to experience life.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

That life is wonderful and life is horrible

But we're all connected and we're all in it together.



I hope it brings you comfort to know

Angels are real, not just a story or an illusion,

They surround us, comfort us, and send us messages;

Love is endless and our spirits literally soar on.

--Gwen

I could tell you...

I could tell you who she was...the beauty, the intelligence, the ambition, the fiery soul, the funny girl, the spiritual soul...I could tell you all she left behind, all who cry for her...The grandmother who already had a father killed in front of her and now more sorrow...The sister (an "orphan" sister, in a sense) who now faces life as an only child...The father, step father, step mother who raised her with every ounce of their strength and time and patience and love... ALL the relatives, best friends, teachers, and so many more who loved her spirit and liveliness...



I could describe what we lost, what the world lost. She's been taken away, she's gone. Yes, I have the photos and memories. But I can no longer look into my 19 year old daughter's eyes and see the baby/toddler/child reflecting from inside.



I could tell you that I feel her all around me. I smell her, sense her. I know her spirit lives on.



I could tell you all this--and so much more--and it would be true. But all I need to tell you is that she is my daughter, and I love her with all my heart. That is who I lost. She is my daughter and she is gone. That says it all.

91 not 19

They say she’s in a better place,

The angels see her smiling face,

But why can’t I?

They say that God tests the strong,

But in my heart this feels so wrong,

An endless sigh.

I can handle many things,

Like losing diamonds in my ring,

And facing those who turn away,

And chasing hours in my day.

But I can’t handle losing her,

Taken too soon from this world,

I miss her smile, her laugh, her hair,

I reach for her and she’s not there.

They say one day we all must leave,

Our spirits soar, I do believe,

But it would make more sense to me,

If she had left at 91—not 19.

That’s the way it’s supposed to be,

To leave the world at 91—not 19.

Yes, I have a very special dream,

That she had left at 91— not 19.

G

5/19/09

Love never fails?

Love evolves. But it never leaves. Love never dies; it just changes form.

Someone very wise once told me that everyone needs to learn to love on the soul level, without the physical. One soul loving another soul. It transcends time.

I ponder this very famous quote from the bible:

1 Corinthians 13
Love
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

It's beautiful. I don't understand it fully. But I think it's very moving.

I just get stuck on one line: Love never fails.

What about break ups? What about divorce? What about when friendships--or other relationships--end or become strained? What about death? Or the ultimate of all heartbreak, when love kills. Because love can be the death of us--literally and figuratively.

So then what is unconditional love? At what point are we to stop loving? Do we hide away from love for fear of being hurt?

The ultimate mystery. But not really a mystery. I think we know the answer on some level.

A New Year -- Live in the Moment

There's something magical about the New Year. It always holds mystery, excitement, and promise. Also, a clean slate.

I think it's natural we celebrate or recognize certain dates throughout our lives, but I think it's important that we are careful not to plan too much and forget to live in the moment, live right now.

I have found that a lot of life is spent thinking about the past and wishing for the future, and not enough of life is spent being grateful for and really "seeing" the present.

We tend to say phrases like this a lot:
"When I was growing up..."
"When I was in high school..."
"When my kids were little..."
"As soon as I have more money..."
"As soon as I lose weight..."
"As soon as I get my dream job..."
"As soon as I find the right person..."

What about this?
"I am glad today is sunny."
"I am very healthy at this moment."
"I look good today."
"I have enough money to provide what I need."
"I enjoy being with (insert name of someone who is in your life NOW)."
"I'm proud of the fact that I am (insert a trait you have NOW.)."

There have been times in my life when I could have lived more for the future--eaten less food or saved more money. But in all honesty, I have no regrets because I enjoyed every moment. I was usually enjoying food and spending money in the company of family and friends. No regrets.

If you plan 100% for tomorrow, you may find tomorrow doesn't arrive in the way you thought it would.

This is my plan, to pay more attention to the moment I am in. That doesn't mean throw all caution to the wind. But just appreciate who I am today.

Enjoy THIS moment.

Healing with Humor (Thanks, Jerry Seinfeld!)

When life throws you the toughest challenges, when your heart feels so dark and heavy that the thought of laughter almost disgusts you, that is precisely the moment you need to turn to humor for healing.

In the first few days after my daughter's death, I thought I'd never be able to eat or sleep again, let alone laugh. When someone you love has died, the thought of laughing seems almost like a betrayal.

I did eat eventually and I did sleep eventually (with the help of prescription medicine). And I also laughed eventually. In fact, listening to stand-up comedy on the radio and watching sitcoms on tv is what got me through some of my saddest and loneliest moments, especially in the first year after my daughter died.

I've always loved comedy and our family has always been a big fan of sitcoms. Jerry Seinfeld has always been one of my favorite comedians. His humor has a way of making things seem lighter. Whether I am watching his show, reading his books, or watching his stand-up, I always smile and I always feel better.

Watching "Seinfeld" distracts me and takes my mind off of things. It helps that it isn't centered around family. Sometimes it is really hard for me to watch anything involving family, even if it is supposed to be funny. It's just too painful to be reminded of what I lost.

I also enjoy watching "Becker" and "Frasier." I find comfort in anything funny as long as the story lines don't remind me of anything painful.

Reading books about grief, writing about my feelings...all of that has helped me to heal. But I think humor has been the most helpful and the most comforting overall.

"You can call me anytime, even 3 o' clock in the morning..."

In my time of grief, I've had so many people show support in various ways, especially in the months immediately following my daughter's tragedy.

Some people couldn't reach out at all, some reached out only a little, and some reached out a lot. Some made offers that they couldn't keep or that I couldn't accept. Overall, I learned that people mean well, they really do.

It's just very difficult to find the right person to turn to in moments of extreme grief. And those moments can happen anyplace, anytime. It's hard to know what we need ...words? action? ....and who can provide us with what we need.

I've had some very kind people say "Call me anytime--even at 3 o clock in the morning." And I know that if I did, they would answer and they would listen. But when you're in the deepest darkest of places, you don't want to call anyone. You don't want to "spread the illness" so to speak. Frankly, some of the thoughts are shocking, upsetting, and I just don't want to say them out loud.

Also, it's hard to find someone that you feel comfortable sharing certain thoughts with when you're feeling so utterly wounded and vulnerable. You fear being judged or being let down.

If you pick someone close to you, it can be tricky. Perhaps they are still grieving too and you don't want to burden them any further. Or you just don't want to repeat yourself for the one thousandth time.

But who else is there? You need someone who is close enough to you to have a true understanding of what you are going through. You can't just start talking to the person in line next to you at the grocery store.

Yes, there's counseling and it does help. But those are typically scheduled appointments and not the people you can turn to with the middle-of-the-night desperate cries.

I received a lot of comfort from people I met who had lost a child, also. It does help to talk to someone who has been through it. But they were people I met after my daughter died so they weren't close enough for me to feel 100% comfortable with.

I feel I have to be so careful and polite around certain people...with everyone, really. What if they think I'm weird? What if they have different religious beliefs? What if they're going through their own personal battle and aren't in a place to show me the support I need? It's hard to just let go and just let it all out.

The problem with grieving is that it is so extreme and it is so unpredictable that it is really hard to properly share those volatile emotions, whether it's in an attempt to get support or just convey information. You don't want to upset people or push them away, either.

It's difficult to maintain relationships of any kind after such a loss. The experts say that when a child dies, the grieving parents are changed forever. Not many people want to accept that. I certainly don't want to accept it, and I have found that many of the people in my life don't, either.

It's only natural that we yearn for things to stay the same, especially when our world is rocked by the death of a child. However, the opposite happens, and almost everything changes. When you think about it, how could it not?

I recall in the early stages of grief I wanted to cut my long hair really short and I had thoughts of just running away. "I don't want to be this person." I would say.

It's not that I wanted to leave my friends and family behind, but I felt that my old life had betrayed me and I wanted to essentially be a different person. I didn't want to endure all that overwhelming pain anymore.

I didn't cut my hair and I didn't run away. I could never leave my young daughter behind. No way, she's my reason for going forward. And I couldn't inflict any more pain on the people who were still grieving my deceased daughter. They had already lost enough.

Unfortunately, however, I have changed somewhat. And some of my relationships have changed, too. Now I am seeing others around me go through changes, too.

It is heartbreaking. But I guess it is inevitable. As I said before, how could we not change after such a sudden and traumatic loss?

So, people will come and go throughout our grieving process. But they won't always be available or capable to give us all we need. It helps to learn to comfort and heal ourselves. And I think we need to have faith. It may be the faith that we find in religion or it may be the faith that we find in mankind. But most importantly, faith in the strength of our own spirit.

Description of Days

I categorized the most common phases I have been encountering along my journey of grief. Being able to define what I am going through enables me to better explain my state to others around me. The list also gives me a sense of direction so I can choose the best route to take to move toward healing. I hope that sharing this may help others in their grieving, also.

Description of Days

Anxiety Day - feeling nervous or scared, pacing, not resting, not sleeping well

Dark Day - bad dreams, bad memories, scary thoughts

Denial Day - feeling numb, not wanting to think about the tragedy or not being able to think about it, pushing people or thoughts away

Gratitude Day - feeling grateful for someone or something in your life, having something happen or receiving a gift that your thankful for, having someone reach out to you in a positive way, feeling blessed in general, appreciating what you have

Healing Day - taking time to be alone, resting, praying, lighting candles, cleansing yourself and your environment, trying to eat healthy, getting fresh air and exercise, expressing creativity

Heartache Day - feeling upset and feeling the physical symptoms of it

Light Day - feeling light, having some acceptance, seeing the Big Picture of the Universe, enjoying nature, getting a sense that your loved one who died is ok and that everything will be ok

Lonely Day - missing your loved one or just feeling alone in this tragedy

Remembrance Day - doing something in your loved one's honor at a certain time (birthday, date of death, holidays, or marking any period of time)

Rough Day - having to go somewhere you don’t want to go or do something you don’t want to do, feeling highly uncomfortable, feeling highly frustrated in people or misunderstood, getting your feelings hurt, feeling like nothing’s going right, feeling pressure, having too much to get done, seeing or hearing something that upsets you especially pertaining to our tragedy

Sad Day - crying, low energy, feeling sad or blue

Special Day - having a special experience, having something great or miraculous happen, seeing signs of your loved one's presence, getting little gifts from your loved one

Spiritual Day - connecting spiritually, thinking about God/Heaven/Angels, wondering what all this means on a spiritual level, contemplating where your loved one might be

Taking a Break Day - trying to have fun, not thinking about sad things, focusing on something good, looking forward to something, watching comedies, playing games, socializing, smiling, laughing

Why Day - questioning why this happened, feeling frustrated, mad, confused