My mother died less than a month ago. She was 75 years old, she had been sick for many years, and she died in her sleep at hospice surrounded by family. Since she was my only parent (and I didn't have aunts or uncles or other adult family members with whom I was close), my mom was my life. Quite literally. My childhood was always just three of us--Mom and my sister and me.
It's been eight years since my oldest daughter, Alicia, was killed. Right now I am grieving my mom and I miss her very much. But her passing has triggered immense grief pains for my Alicia. I wasn't expecting this but I believe it is due to the extreme contrast.
The way Mom passed seemed so peaceful. Sad, of course, but it made sense in the big scheme of life.
I can't help but be reminded how terribly unfair Alicia's death was. She was only 19. Mom was 75. Mom lived a full life. Not a perfect life, not a problem-free life. But there wasn't much Mom didn't get to experience.
Mom also died relatively pain-free as far as I could tell. She had nurses surrounding her with pillows, blankets, medicine, and I don't think she was even conscious when she passed. If she was aware at all, then she could hear us telling her how much we love her and that it was okay if she wanted to go. We were holding her hand and thanking her for all she had done for us.
My daughter was killed--she didn't "pass." She was brutally beaten. I reel when I imagine it. Sometimes I picture the terrible event in my mind--what it must have looked like, sounded like, felt like for her. I can't help it. It is torture for me but my mind goes there sometimes.
I hope Alicia died quickly but I know she didn't die peacefully. I know she experienced pain and fear. Sometimes I like to think that adrenaline kicked in and she was shielded biologically. I like to believe that God took her soul before she was able to experience the horror and she was shielded spiritually. But the truth is, I just don't know.
Losing Alicia caused me to experience "complicated grief." Now that Mom has passed, I am experiencing "normal grief." I almost feel guilty that I am not more upset about Mom but I know this is healthy. I have so much acceptance, knowing that my mom was ready and somewhat relieved since she was in pain for so many years.
This experience has made me feel extra bad about Alicia's death. I am devastated about how extremely unfair it was for her.
I'd like to believe Mom is with Alicia now. It is a beautiful thought. In fact, I had a vision of Alicia dressed in white with a huge smile on her face, lifting mom from her bed as she passed. Was it wishful thinking? Or was it a spiritual experience? I don't know but I am going to choose the latter.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Monday, February 3, 2014
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Problem with Death...
Almost everything in life is tolerable because of one word. Hope. Even the worst scenarios--poverty, divorce, illness, a missing loved one--contain some element of hope, no matter how small.
Except death. No hope.
Some may argue there is hope in death--hope that the person went to Heaven and that we will meet again one day. While I have faith that this is true, it doesn't help the NOW--the current world/life we have to live day in and day out.
With the death of a child and/or sudden traumatic death, which I have experienced when Alicia was killed, the order of things is upside down and inside out. There is no way to put it all in order, to make sense of it, or to hope that there must be a REASON for all this.
Quite frankly, I don't care what the reason is right at this moment. Even if it's all part of the biggest and most fantastic plan that God has, I don't care.
He made me have feelings, a heart, and most importantly a motherly instinct and bond with my children. To expect me to just rest on the faith that I will see my oldest daughter again "one day" and that her horrific death at age 19 was "for a reason" is unfathomable. To put it another way, it's UNREASONABLE.
Today I went somewhere that I hadn't been in many years. It is a place that holds a lot of memories for our family. Alicia used to go to this place frequently. It brought back thoughts and feelings and roused some very uncomfortable frustration (bordering on anger) inside of me to think that all these people have so much and are doing so much and Alicia got short-changed, to put it mildly.
How do I cope with those feelings? Do I comfort myself by saying she's in an even BETTER place now and one day I will join her? No, that brings little comfort because it is too conflicting. I have my youngest daughter here who still needs me and I have a life here on earth that needs to be lived out. To yearn to join Alicia is not healthy or productive for me.
The irony and the paradoxes I have to face each day is simply indescribable. One minute I see people smiling, laughing, enjoying a lovely Florida spring day (myself included) and the next minute I am at the cemetery, changing the flowers at my daughter's grave site.
I can't even fully enjoy the memory of Alicia. Not only is everything upside down, inside out, but it's also sideways. I have to look at things and think about things in my peripheral only. The second I allow myself to look straight at a photo of Alicia or to really FEEL a memory, relive it, or to picture Alicia standing in front of me now, a feeling comes over me that is so huge and overpowering, I must immediately halt what I am doing. Don't look, don't think, don't remember or the tidal wave will pull you under.
I can love her, miss her, have memories of her (shrouded in mist) but I am not allowed to really feel her deep in my heart and soul. Even as I type these words, I see that they don't even break the surface of describing the enormous emotion this is.
Hopelessness. It's the closest word to this feeling. That's in addition to all the other feelings of grief. Hopelessness. That is the problem with death.
Except death. No hope.
Some may argue there is hope in death--hope that the person went to Heaven and that we will meet again one day. While I have faith that this is true, it doesn't help the NOW--the current world/life we have to live day in and day out.
With the death of a child and/or sudden traumatic death, which I have experienced when Alicia was killed, the order of things is upside down and inside out. There is no way to put it all in order, to make sense of it, or to hope that there must be a REASON for all this.
Quite frankly, I don't care what the reason is right at this moment. Even if it's all part of the biggest and most fantastic plan that God has, I don't care.
He made me have feelings, a heart, and most importantly a motherly instinct and bond with my children. To expect me to just rest on the faith that I will see my oldest daughter again "one day" and that her horrific death at age 19 was "for a reason" is unfathomable. To put it another way, it's UNREASONABLE.
Today I went somewhere that I hadn't been in many years. It is a place that holds a lot of memories for our family. Alicia used to go to this place frequently. It brought back thoughts and feelings and roused some very uncomfortable frustration (bordering on anger) inside of me to think that all these people have so much and are doing so much and Alicia got short-changed, to put it mildly.
How do I cope with those feelings? Do I comfort myself by saying she's in an even BETTER place now and one day I will join her? No, that brings little comfort because it is too conflicting. I have my youngest daughter here who still needs me and I have a life here on earth that needs to be lived out. To yearn to join Alicia is not healthy or productive for me.
The irony and the paradoxes I have to face each day is simply indescribable. One minute I see people smiling, laughing, enjoying a lovely Florida spring day (myself included) and the next minute I am at the cemetery, changing the flowers at my daughter's grave site.
I can't even fully enjoy the memory of Alicia. Not only is everything upside down, inside out, but it's also sideways. I have to look at things and think about things in my peripheral only. The second I allow myself to look straight at a photo of Alicia or to really FEEL a memory, relive it, or to picture Alicia standing in front of me now, a feeling comes over me that is so huge and overpowering, I must immediately halt what I am doing. Don't look, don't think, don't remember or the tidal wave will pull you under.
I can love her, miss her, have memories of her (shrouded in mist) but I am not allowed to really feel her deep in my heart and soul. Even as I type these words, I see that they don't even break the surface of describing the enormous emotion this is.
Hopelessness. It's the closest word to this feeling. That's in addition to all the other feelings of grief. Hopelessness. That is the problem with death.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
It Rained and the Mona Lisa Washed Away
It rained and the Mona Lisa washed away
The Venus de Milo crumbled and turned to clay
How could this beautiful work of art be gone, just gone?
The Venus de Milo crumbled and turned to clay
How could this beautiful work of art be gone, just gone?
There are no answers in the wind
No answers in my dreams
There are simply no answers
So it seems.
GRH 7-2007
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Description of Days
I categorized the most common phases I have been encountering along my journey of grief. Being able to define what I am going through enables me to better explain my state to others around me. The list also gives me a sense of direction so I can choose the best route to take to move toward healing. I hope that sharing this may help others in their grieving, also.
Description of Days
Anxiety Day - feeling nervous or scared, pacing, not resting, not sleeping well
Dark Day - bad dreams, bad memories, scary thoughts
Denial Day - feeling numb, not wanting to think about the tragedy or not being able to think about it, pushing people or thoughts away
Gratitude Day - feeling grateful for someone or something in your life, having something happen or receiving a gift that your thankful for, having someone reach out to you in a positive way, feeling blessed in general, appreciating what you have
Healing Day - taking time to be alone, resting, praying, lighting candles, cleansing yourself and your environment, trying to eat healthy, getting fresh air and exercise, expressing creativity
Heartache Day - feeling upset and feeling the physical symptoms of it
Light Day - feeling light, having some acceptance, seeing the Big Picture of the Universe, enjoying nature, getting a sense that your loved one who died is ok and that everything will be ok
Lonely Day - missing your loved one or just feeling alone in this tragedy
Remembrance Day - doing something in your loved one's honor at a certain time (birthday, date of death, holidays, or marking any period of time)
Rough Day - having to go somewhere you don’t want to go or do something you don’t want to do, feeling highly uncomfortable, feeling highly frustrated in people or misunderstood, getting your feelings hurt, feeling like nothing’s going right, feeling pressure, having too much to get done, seeing or hearing something that upsets you especially pertaining to our tragedy
Sad Day - crying, low energy, feeling sad or blue
Special Day - having a special experience, having something great or miraculous happen, seeing signs of your loved one's presence, getting little gifts from your loved one
Spiritual Day - connecting spiritually, thinking about God/Heaven/Angels, wondering what all this means on a spiritual level, contemplating where your loved one might be
Taking a Break Day - trying to have fun, not thinking about sad things, focusing on something good, looking forward to something, watching comedies, playing games, socializing, smiling, laughing
Why Day - questioning why this happened, feeling frustrated, mad, confused
Description of Days
Anxiety Day - feeling nervous or scared, pacing, not resting, not sleeping well
Dark Day - bad dreams, bad memories, scary thoughts
Denial Day - feeling numb, not wanting to think about the tragedy or not being able to think about it, pushing people or thoughts away
Gratitude Day - feeling grateful for someone or something in your life, having something happen or receiving a gift that your thankful for, having someone reach out to you in a positive way, feeling blessed in general, appreciating what you have
Healing Day - taking time to be alone, resting, praying, lighting candles, cleansing yourself and your environment, trying to eat healthy, getting fresh air and exercise, expressing creativity
Heartache Day - feeling upset and feeling the physical symptoms of it
Light Day - feeling light, having some acceptance, seeing the Big Picture of the Universe, enjoying nature, getting a sense that your loved one who died is ok and that everything will be ok
Lonely Day - missing your loved one or just feeling alone in this tragedy
Remembrance Day - doing something in your loved one's honor at a certain time (birthday, date of death, holidays, or marking any period of time)
Rough Day - having to go somewhere you don’t want to go or do something you don’t want to do, feeling highly uncomfortable, feeling highly frustrated in people or misunderstood, getting your feelings hurt, feeling like nothing’s going right, feeling pressure, having too much to get done, seeing or hearing something that upsets you especially pertaining to our tragedy
Sad Day - crying, low energy, feeling sad or blue
Special Day - having a special experience, having something great or miraculous happen, seeing signs of your loved one's presence, getting little gifts from your loved one
Spiritual Day - connecting spiritually, thinking about God/Heaven/Angels, wondering what all this means on a spiritual level, contemplating where your loved one might be
Taking a Break Day - trying to have fun, not thinking about sad things, focusing on something good, looking forward to something, watching comedies, playing games, socializing, smiling, laughing
Why Day - questioning why this happened, feeling frustrated, mad, confused
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